I haven't updated in a while. Life has been a little rough the last couple of months. Ok, that's an understatement. Life has been absolutely rough lately. My mind has felt consumed most days by this, and by the end of the day, I've had nothing to write about. But, I figure I'll try to share some of the past weeks in hopes that it will help someone. 

In early February I found out I was pregnant with Baby #2. We were so excited! We had been trying for a while, and we felt like our prayers had been answered. The hubs and I went on an overnight getaway, and I told him the news there. Shortly after we told family and friends. I was feeling similar to how I did with Aislyn, but my symptoms weren't as severe or frequent. I also had this nagging pain in my abdomen every night, and my hormones seemed to be all over the place. I was so paranoid that something was wrong, but people kept reassuring me that the second pregnancy is different. On March 15, we headed to IC to my first routine OB appointment. By this point I was 9.5 weeks along, and feeling more like I did with Aislyn. I was almost through the first trimester, and the anxiety about something being wrong had left. 

I went through the motions of an OB appointment: paper work, pee, blood pressure, consult with doctor, exam. Everything was going well. Then, my doctor decided to try to peek at the baby with a sonogram tool she has attached to a tablet. This was a new tool, and since the hospital is next door, she doesn't have a "real" ultrasound machine in office. It took a long time for the doctor to find the baby, and when she did, she couldn't get a clear view. She mentioned that my uterus could have been tipped, and asked several more questions. Eventually, she decided to send me for an ultrasound- just to make sure everything was ok. They called and scheduled it, and someone came in to get pregnancy labs. I really didn't suspect much. 

SIlas and I left and headed to get the ultrasound. I sent a quick text to a couple of friends letting them know what was going on, but I honestly expected to walk in, see my sweet baby, and go have lunch. The wait seemed long. It was finally my turn, and the ultrasound began. The tech told me before she began that she wasn't able to tell me anything. However, I grew suspicious when she moved the screen further away, so that I couldn't even peek. The ultrasound didn't take long, and they send Silas and I to a private room and said my doctor would be calling soon. I still had high hopes at this point. I was still having morning sickness, and I had been so careful about food, toxins, etc. Everything had to be ok.

A few minutes later, the phone rang. I answered, and as soon as I heard my doctor's voice, I knew. Our baby hadn't made it. The doctor explained that the baby had stopped growing three weeks before and there was no heartbeat. I've never felt so much hurt in my life. I never wanted to be a loss mommy. I felt like our answer to prayer was harshly and suddenly taken. 

The next six days were awful. I opted to do things naturally and pass the baby at home. It wasn't an easy process. I had to have several follow up appointments to check hormone levels and see how my body was healing. I had my final appointment three days ago to get more labs. My levels are finally low enough for me to be considered not pregnant. 

It's been a long six weeks. It's been a really, really heart wrenching six weeks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But, God is faithful. He is teaching me, and I am growing. I hope that we'll eventually have another healthy, beautiful baby. My doctor is hopeful, and I want to be, but I also know that I'm not guaranteed anything. I wish things would have worked out differently, but I am also clinging to the promise that I will see my baby one day.

A few weeks before I miscarried, I read a blog of a mommy who had lost a child. She said it takes a village to make it through the loss of a child. I wholeheartedly agree. It has taken a village to help me through the loss of our sweet unborn baby. A small, caring, loving village. I'm forever grateful for the people around me (and the ones that are miles away) that have walked with me through this. One day, maybe I'll have some lessons or encouragement or wisdom to share from this experience. However, I'm not there yet. All I know to say now is that God is good, and I know He will use this. And, somehow, I know He will heal my heart- even though that feels impossible.