I haven't updated in a while. Life has been a little rough the last couple of months. Ok, that's an understatement. Life has been absolutely rough lately. My mind has felt consumed most days by this, and by the end of the day, I've had nothing to write about. But, I figure I'll try to share some of the past weeks in hopes that it will help someone. 

In early February I found out I was pregnant with Baby #2. We were so excited! We had been trying for a while, and we felt like our prayers had been answered. The hubs and I went on an overnight getaway, and I told him the news there. Shortly after we told family and friends. I was feeling similar to how I did with Aislyn, but my symptoms weren't as severe or frequent. I also had this nagging pain in my abdomen every night, and my hormones seemed to be all over the place. I was so paranoid that something was wrong, but people kept reassuring me that the second pregnancy is different. On March 15, we headed to IC to my first routine OB appointment. By this point I was 9.5 weeks along, and feeling more like I did with Aislyn. I was almost through the first trimester, and the anxiety about something being wrong had left. 

I went through the motions of an OB appointment: paper work, pee, blood pressure, consult with doctor, exam. Everything was going well. Then, my doctor decided to try to peek at the baby with a sonogram tool she has attached to a tablet. This was a new tool, and since the hospital is next door, she doesn't have a "real" ultrasound machine in office. It took a long time for the doctor to find the baby, and when she did, she couldn't get a clear view. She mentioned that my uterus could have been tipped, and asked several more questions. Eventually, she decided to send me for an ultrasound- just to make sure everything was ok. They called and scheduled it, and someone came in to get pregnancy labs. I really didn't suspect much. 

SIlas and I left and headed to get the ultrasound. I sent a quick text to a couple of friends letting them know what was going on, but I honestly expected to walk in, see my sweet baby, and go have lunch. The wait seemed long. It was finally my turn, and the ultrasound began. The tech told me before she began that she wasn't able to tell me anything. However, I grew suspicious when she moved the screen further away, so that I couldn't even peek. The ultrasound didn't take long, and they send Silas and I to a private room and said my doctor would be calling soon. I still had high hopes at this point. I was still having morning sickness, and I had been so careful about food, toxins, etc. Everything had to be ok.

A few minutes later, the phone rang. I answered, and as soon as I heard my doctor's voice, I knew. Our baby hadn't made it. The doctor explained that the baby had stopped growing three weeks before and there was no heartbeat. I've never felt so much hurt in my life. I never wanted to be a loss mommy. I felt like our answer to prayer was harshly and suddenly taken. 

The next six days were awful. I opted to do things naturally and pass the baby at home. It wasn't an easy process. I had to have several follow up appointments to check hormone levels and see how my body was healing. I had my final appointment three days ago to get more labs. My levels are finally low enough for me to be considered not pregnant. 

It's been a long six weeks. It's been a really, really heart wrenching six weeks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But, God is faithful. He is teaching me, and I am growing. I hope that we'll eventually have another healthy, beautiful baby. My doctor is hopeful, and I want to be, but I also know that I'm not guaranteed anything. I wish things would have worked out differently, but I am also clinging to the promise that I will see my baby one day.

A few weeks before I miscarried, I read a blog of a mommy who had lost a child. She said it takes a village to make it through the loss of a child. I wholeheartedly agree. It has taken a village to help me through the loss of our sweet unborn baby. A small, caring, loving village. I'm forever grateful for the people around me (and the ones that are miles away) that have walked with me through this. One day, maybe I'll have some lessons or encouragement or wisdom to share from this experience. However, I'm not there yet. All I know to say now is that God is good, and I know He will use this. And, somehow, I know He will heal my heart- even though that feels impossible. 

Aislyn's Birth

It has been awhile since I have blogged. I really want to do better at updating this thing! Anyway, Aislyn turned one yesterday! I can't believe that she's already hit that milestone. While I miss having a little baby, it's kind of a relief to know that we survived the first year of parenting. Aislyn has taught us a lot, and she has been an amazing blessing! 

I have this weird hobby of reading labor stories. I find them fascinating. I used to watch birth shows all the time- back when I actually had time to watch tv. I've been wanting to write out Aislyn's birth story for a while, but just haven't done it. So, if you don't like reading labor stories, this post isn't for you. :)

I was due on January 14. I started measuring big at about 32 weeks. My family has a history of big babies, so my doctor wasn't too concerned. She continued to keep a close eye on me, and by 37 weeks, she told me the baby could come any day. Aislyn was extremely low, and in good position very early on. The weeks passed, and each week the doctor and nurses were a little more surprised that Aislyn hadn't shown up yet. At 41 weeks, Dr. Smollen did an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. I had tons of amniotic fluid left and the baby seemed to be moving fine, so she told me I could wait a few more days. I really didn't want to be induced, and I tried everything short of castor oil to go into labor on my own. Nine days past my due date, I went in for a non-stress test and routine check. When my doctor saw that I still was not dilated at all, she decided to induce me. The appointment was on Monday afternoon, and she told me to come back Tuesday morning. I had been on bed rest for a few days before that, so I asked if I could be off of bed rest. She told me I could do what I wanted for the next few hours. I guess she figured a 41.5 week pregnant lady really wouldn't do that much in 15 hours anyway. Silas and I came home from IC, told our family the plan, and I did some laundry and mopped the floor. Later that evening, we headed to our Perspectives class that we were taking. The class started at 6:00. and shortly after getting there I started having contractions. I didn't think much of it, because I had been having contractions off and on for weeks. Soon I couldn't sit any longer and began walking the halls during class. The class ended at 9:00, and I had plans of a hot shower, tylenol, and some sleep. The baby had other plans. By 10:45, I was super uncomfortable and nothing was helping. Silas called the hospital. They told us to get some sleep. They had just seen me at 1:00 for the non-stress test, so I'm sure they just thought I was overreacting. Silas went to bed. I tried to, but couldn't sleep through the contractions. By 2:45, I could no longer walk through them without considerable pain, so I woke Silas up. We called the hospital back, and they told us to come on up to start the induction. Silas got ready, and we made the hour drive to the hospital. My doctor was pulling in just as we got there. She checked me, and I was dilated to a five. We were all shocked! Needless to say, I wasn't induced. Dr. Smollen broke my water, and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I hadn't planned on getting an epi, but by this point I had been awake for nearly 24 hours. The doctor told me I could do what I wanted, but that the baby was really low, and I needed to make sure I had the strength to push. I eventually decided to get an epidural, for the primary reason of needing a nap before pushing. I soon had the epi and felt much better. However, a few minutes later I started having really bad back labor again. The nurses realized that the port wasn't ever plugged in after the test run. Once that was fixed, I was able to get an hour nap. Soon after that, I began pushing. Dr. Smollen let me push for an hour with the nurses. Aislyn wasn't crowning all the way, so she used the forceps to help her crown. Right before that, she looked at me, and very sternly told me that once she started, I had to push the baby out. It wasn't until after the delivery that she told me that the baby was too low for a c-section at that point, and it would have been very dangerous to Aislyn and me both. Once Aislyn was crowning, I was able to push for a short time. We didn't know if we were having a girl or boy, and my anticipation helped me during the pushing. At 3:03 pm, Aislyn was born. There were many gasps and surprised nurses when they saw how big she was. The nurses all started guessing her weight. A couple of minutes later, I heard someone say, "10 lb 13 oz." I thought they were still guessing, but my doctor informed me that Aislyn really did weigh that much. I was so surprised. I had no idea that I was capable of giving birth to a nearly 11 pound baby. I hemorrhaged afterwards, so I don't remember everything in the few minutes afterwards. SIlas was able to go be with Aislyn as they checked her. I think I passed out for a short time, and when I came to, there were tons of nurses and Dr. Smollen around me working quickly to help me. A few minutes later, once everything was under control, my doctor came a gave me a big hug and told me how proud she was (she is the BEST doctor). If we are blessed with another baby, I would love to skip the epi completely if possible. I'd also like to have a baby under 10 pounds, but I'm not getting my hopes up for that one! Oh, and I did not have gestations diabetes. My sugars were great, and my due date was correct. My family just has really.big.babies. But, it was all worth it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat!