I haven't updated in a while. Life has been a little rough the last couple of months. Ok, that's an understatement. Life has been absolutely rough lately. My mind has felt consumed most days by this, and by the end of the day, I've had nothing to write about. But, I figure I'll try to share some of the past weeks in hopes that it will help someone. 

In early February I found out I was pregnant with Baby #2. We were so excited! We had been trying for a while, and we felt like our prayers had been answered. The hubs and I went on an overnight getaway, and I told him the news there. Shortly after we told family and friends. I was feeling similar to how I did with Aislyn, but my symptoms weren't as severe or frequent. I also had this nagging pain in my abdomen every night, and my hormones seemed to be all over the place. I was so paranoid that something was wrong, but people kept reassuring me that the second pregnancy is different. On March 15, we headed to IC to my first routine OB appointment. By this point I was 9.5 weeks along, and feeling more like I did with Aislyn. I was almost through the first trimester, and the anxiety about something being wrong had left. 

I went through the motions of an OB appointment: paper work, pee, blood pressure, consult with doctor, exam. Everything was going well. Then, my doctor decided to try to peek at the baby with a sonogram tool she has attached to a tablet. This was a new tool, and since the hospital is next door, she doesn't have a "real" ultrasound machine in office. It took a long time for the doctor to find the baby, and when she did, she couldn't get a clear view. She mentioned that my uterus could have been tipped, and asked several more questions. Eventually, she decided to send me for an ultrasound- just to make sure everything was ok. They called and scheduled it, and someone came in to get pregnancy labs. I really didn't suspect much. 

SIlas and I left and headed to get the ultrasound. I sent a quick text to a couple of friends letting them know what was going on, but I honestly expected to walk in, see my sweet baby, and go have lunch. The wait seemed long. It was finally my turn, and the ultrasound began. The tech told me before she began that she wasn't able to tell me anything. However, I grew suspicious when she moved the screen further away, so that I couldn't even peek. The ultrasound didn't take long, and they send Silas and I to a private room and said my doctor would be calling soon. I still had high hopes at this point. I was still having morning sickness, and I had been so careful about food, toxins, etc. Everything had to be ok.

A few minutes later, the phone rang. I answered, and as soon as I heard my doctor's voice, I knew. Our baby hadn't made it. The doctor explained that the baby had stopped growing three weeks before and there was no heartbeat. I've never felt so much hurt in my life. I never wanted to be a loss mommy. I felt like our answer to prayer was harshly and suddenly taken. 

The next six days were awful. I opted to do things naturally and pass the baby at home. It wasn't an easy process. I had to have several follow up appointments to check hormone levels and see how my body was healing. I had my final appointment three days ago to get more labs. My levels are finally low enough for me to be considered not pregnant. 

It's been a long six weeks. It's been a really, really heart wrenching six weeks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But, God is faithful. He is teaching me, and I am growing. I hope that we'll eventually have another healthy, beautiful baby. My doctor is hopeful, and I want to be, but I also know that I'm not guaranteed anything. I wish things would have worked out differently, but I am also clinging to the promise that I will see my baby one day.

A few weeks before I miscarried, I read a blog of a mommy who had lost a child. She said it takes a village to make it through the loss of a child. I wholeheartedly agree. It has taken a village to help me through the loss of our sweet unborn baby. A small, caring, loving village. I'm forever grateful for the people around me (and the ones that are miles away) that have walked with me through this. One day, maybe I'll have some lessons or encouragement or wisdom to share from this experience. However, I'm not there yet. All I know to say now is that God is good, and I know He will use this. And, somehow, I know He will heal my heart- even though that feels impossible. 

Aislyn's Birth

It has been awhile since I have blogged. I really want to do better at updating this thing! Anyway, Aislyn turned one yesterday! I can't believe that she's already hit that milestone. While I miss having a little baby, it's kind of a relief to know that we survived the first year of parenting. Aislyn has taught us a lot, and she has been an amazing blessing! 

I have this weird hobby of reading labor stories. I find them fascinating. I used to watch birth shows all the time- back when I actually had time to watch tv. I've been wanting to write out Aislyn's birth story for a while, but just haven't done it. So, if you don't like reading labor stories, this post isn't for you. :)

I was due on January 14. I started measuring big at about 32 weeks. My family has a history of big babies, so my doctor wasn't too concerned. She continued to keep a close eye on me, and by 37 weeks, she told me the baby could come any day. Aislyn was extremely low, and in good position very early on. The weeks passed, and each week the doctor and nurses were a little more surprised that Aislyn hadn't shown up yet. At 41 weeks, Dr. Smollen did an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. I had tons of amniotic fluid left and the baby seemed to be moving fine, so she told me I could wait a few more days. I really didn't want to be induced, and I tried everything short of castor oil to go into labor on my own. Nine days past my due date, I went in for a non-stress test and routine check. When my doctor saw that I still was not dilated at all, she decided to induce me. The appointment was on Monday afternoon, and she told me to come back Tuesday morning. I had been on bed rest for a few days before that, so I asked if I could be off of bed rest. She told me I could do what I wanted for the next few hours. I guess she figured a 41.5 week pregnant lady really wouldn't do that much in 15 hours anyway. Silas and I came home from IC, told our family the plan, and I did some laundry and mopped the floor. Later that evening, we headed to our Perspectives class that we were taking. The class started at 6:00. and shortly after getting there I started having contractions. I didn't think much of it, because I had been having contractions off and on for weeks. Soon I couldn't sit any longer and began walking the halls during class. The class ended at 9:00, and I had plans of a hot shower, tylenol, and some sleep. The baby had other plans. By 10:45, I was super uncomfortable and nothing was helping. Silas called the hospital. They told us to get some sleep. They had just seen me at 1:00 for the non-stress test, so I'm sure they just thought I was overreacting. Silas went to bed. I tried to, but couldn't sleep through the contractions. By 2:45, I could no longer walk through them without considerable pain, so I woke Silas up. We called the hospital back, and they told us to come on up to start the induction. Silas got ready, and we made the hour drive to the hospital. My doctor was pulling in just as we got there. She checked me, and I was dilated to a five. We were all shocked! Needless to say, I wasn't induced. Dr. Smollen broke my water, and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I hadn't planned on getting an epi, but by this point I had been awake for nearly 24 hours. The doctor told me I could do what I wanted, but that the baby was really low, and I needed to make sure I had the strength to push. I eventually decided to get an epidural, for the primary reason of needing a nap before pushing. I soon had the epi and felt much better. However, a few minutes later I started having really bad back labor again. The nurses realized that the port wasn't ever plugged in after the test run. Once that was fixed, I was able to get an hour nap. Soon after that, I began pushing. Dr. Smollen let me push for an hour with the nurses. Aislyn wasn't crowning all the way, so she used the forceps to help her crown. Right before that, she looked at me, and very sternly told me that once she started, I had to push the baby out. It wasn't until after the delivery that she told me that the baby was too low for a c-section at that point, and it would have been very dangerous to Aislyn and me both. Once Aislyn was crowning, I was able to push for a short time. We didn't know if we were having a girl or boy, and my anticipation helped me during the pushing. At 3:03 pm, Aislyn was born. There were many gasps and surprised nurses when they saw how big she was. The nurses all started guessing her weight. A couple of minutes later, I heard someone say, "10 lb 13 oz." I thought they were still guessing, but my doctor informed me that Aislyn really did weigh that much. I was so surprised. I had no idea that I was capable of giving birth to a nearly 11 pound baby. I hemorrhaged afterwards, so I don't remember everything in the few minutes afterwards. SIlas was able to go be with Aislyn as they checked her. I think I passed out for a short time, and when I came to, there were tons of nurses and Dr. Smollen around me working quickly to help me. A few minutes later, once everything was under control, my doctor came a gave me a big hug and told me how proud she was (she is the BEST doctor). If we are blessed with another baby, I would love to skip the epi completely if possible. I'd also like to have a baby under 10 pounds, but I'm not getting my hopes up for that one! Oh, and I did not have gestations diabetes. My sugars were great, and my due date was correct. My family just has really.big.babies. But, it was all worth it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

A few things I've learned since becoming a mommy...

My little one turned eight months old today! These past eight months have flown by, despite there being many nights that I thought would never end. I thought I'd share a few things I've learned in the past few months. Obviously, these things are all my experiences, and I'm fully aware that not everyone has similar experiences :)

* Labor is nothing compared to recovery. Maybe it had something to do with the size of my babe, but no one prepared me for the whole recovery process.

* Being a nanny/full-time sitter is nothing like being a parent. Trust me, it's not. It's amazing how you know exactly what to do with other people's kids, but when you have your own, you're suddenly clueless. Not to mention, there are no off hours when you are a mom.

* Reflux babies are completely different.

* I can take a shower and get ready in lightening speed these days, but it takes considerably more time to get household chores done.

* Aden + Anais blankets are amazing. Seriously. I don't know how I would function without them.

* Becoming a mom has made me more sure than ever of my calling in life.

* I used to want three or four kids. Now I find myself trying to figure out how to fit the maximum number of car seats into our minivan.

* Unfortunatley, several people that I hoped would be there to help me as a mom have failed me in that area. But, there have also been a lot of people that I've grown closer to through the "mommy bond."

* Older people generally don't consider you to be a valid parent unless you have at least three kids.

* You get LOTS of advice. Most of it is bad.

* Eight hours of sleep a night? Yeah, right!

* Watching your baby accomplish new things gives you indescribable joy!

* Seeing my girl light up when I walk in the room makes it all worth it.

It's been a fun eight months, challenging- but fun! I can't imagine life without my little love, and can't wait to watch her go through the upcoming stages!

I don't usually write posts like this. I've hesitated for a while now in writing this. I'm aware that I will probably get more criticism than praise, but I feel like this needs to be said.

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
Over the past few weeks there has been an issue heavy on my heart. With the upcoming election near, there have been a ridiculous amount of political statements and cartoons all over Facebook. First of all, let me say this: I claim to be neither a Democrat or Republican. I don't think there is a "Christian Party" that you must be affiliated with. I deeply respect many Christians who align themselves with each party. I will not defend or promote any candidate or party in this post, or probably ever in any public forum. Second of all, I'm not writing this because I think I have it all figured out, have a great amount of intelligence, or much experience. My age will show the lack of experience, and anyone who had classes with me in college would know that I don't claim to have superior intelligence by any means. This is why I am writing: As the Church, we are called to live a life of love. We are called to speak the truth in love. We are called to grace, mercy, and reconciliation. We are called to be the salt and light of the world, a city on a hill. We are commanded to love others, even those who differ with us on political issues. I will admit I only remember four elections in my lifetime, but I'm saddened to say, I don't ever remember seeing so much hurt and hate before during an election season. I'm tired of getting on Facebook and seeing unloving statements being made, especially toward non-believers. We are to be loving them! Some of you have abstained from saying nasty things and have shown Christ's love well. For that, I say thank you and I commend you. However, I sadly have read far too many inappropriate things lately. My goal in this post isn't to criticize or condemn, but rather spur you on to love and good deeds. I want the Church's light to shine through this election season, not be dimmed by our harsh words. So, vote for who you think is the best fit. Pray about it earnestly and vote, but make it a priority to love others in the process, even if they vote the opposite way.
And, one more thing: please do not forget that our eternal citizenship isn't of this world anyway. At the end of the day, regardless of who wins the election, God's Kingdom reigns.

To all of my non-Christian friends,
I want to personally apologize for any hurt you have experienced from the Church. We are imperfect humans too, and we love you regardless of your political view. I hope that you will see the love of Jesus overflowing in my life, as well as in the Church as a whole.

Updates, Updates, Updates!!!

Well, it’s been a while. Life has been a little crazy, and the blog has suffered. We also don’t have a computer at home, and I hate typing on my phone, so I just haven’t written lately. Here are a few updates since the last post:

Aislyn is now rolling over both ways and semi-mobile. She’s really close to crawling, but does a scooting maneuver if she wants to get somewhere on her own. She can nearly sit up on her own, and is getting stronger all the time. We’ll be starting solids in a month or so (yikes! How can it be time for that already?), and she’s definitely not a totally dependent newborn anymore. I think she’s going to be independent like her mama! Aislyn also LOVES our cats. She is completely fascinated by them, and they entertain her just by being in the room. She also loves books. A book can calm down just about any fit!

Silas is still loving his job, and I think things are beginning to calm down a little. In the month of May, we had something going nearly every evening. That was a bit stressful. Hopefully he will have time for a few more of his hobbies, like working on cars and using tools. He wanted a drill for Father’s Day. I don’t really “get” that kind of stuff, but whatever makes him happy J. Next month he’ll be going with fourth graders to camp and also to CIY with the high school kids. Aislyn and I will be going too, but who are we kidding? I doubt either of us will actually be any help (especially at a 4^th grade camp)! My goal is just to survive without having a complete meltdown while being away from home nearly half the month with a five month old in tow.

We’ve started trying to take family walks throughout the week. A loves the outdoors, and we love the exercise, so everyone benefits. We’ve also been trying to eat healthier. Ok, really I’ve been buying and cooking healthier food, and Silas is nice enough to go along. We kind of fell off of the healthy train when I was pregnant and craved 62 things a day, most of which were horribly unhealthy! More about that some other time.

Life for me is good (most days). I think I’ve finally adjusted to the new norm of being a mommy 24/7. That adjustment isn’t quite as easy as people make it out to be. Occasionally I have a day where I’m completely overwhelmed (like yesterday), but for the most part I think I’m doing well, or as well as a sleep deprived lady who smells like puke and speaks gibberish all day can be. LOTS of my friends are having babies and announcing pregnancies, but I think I will wait a few more months before I jump back on that train. I really am enjoying all the time I get with A, and am thankful to be able to be a stay at home mom. I’ve still volunteering some, but have reduced the amount of time I spend at the church considerably. I feel like my focus right now needs to be my husband and daughter.

I think that covers it. We have exciting lives, huh? Sounds like A is starting to wake up for a nap, so my blog time is over for now!

Life as a SAHM

When I was younger I thought being a SAHM would be a glamorous, relaxing job. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to stay at home with my little one, and I'm very thankful that my husband's job allows me to do this, but it's not at all what I imagined most days. Here's a brief summary of my day so far: get up, change diaper, realize I still haven't gotten clean diapers from yesterday put away, attempt to feed baby in between her screaming fits of tummy ache, change poopy diaper, try feeding again, get myself ready and scarf down some food, baby's really hungry this time, change poopy diaper, feed baby in between more screaming while on the phone with my mom, get a call saying I forgot to pay a bill on time. The lady tells me I'm never late and asks why. I apologize and try to explain that life is a little crazy right now all the while trying to finish feeding Aislyn without another screaming fit. The lady was nice enough to take my payment over the phone and wave the fee so that I don't have to write out a check. Time to make lunch, but I have to take the trash out before I can throw anything away because somehow it's overflowing again. Baby isn't thrilled with me putting her down, and fusses when I'm not holding her. Finally lunch is done and hubby is home. As soon as I sit down, baby decides she really will eat now and even without screaming! Her tummy is
better for now. She falls asleep while eating. Meanwhile I just give my food to my husband, because I don't even like what I made for lunch, but my husband loves it and it was easy, so that's what we had. While she sleeps I vacuum, mop, and clean the kitchen counters and bathroom in record speed. I attempt to work on paying bills, but she wakes up unhappy. Time for a diaper change, and she acts hungry but is crying as she tries to eat again. She then falls back asleep and I realize it's almost 3:00, I still haven't really eaten lunch, I'm exhausted, I have to leave shortly for a hair appointment, and I have piles of laundry all over the house as well as stuff I bought Friday that I still have not put away. My small group will be here tonight. Actually, they will probably be here before I even make it back from my hair appointment because I scheduled it too late. Oh well! Hopefully they won't care about the mess! So, to sum it up, I'm still trying to figure out myself where the last seven hours went. Life is absolute craziness most of the time, but I wouldn't trade it! Being a SAHM is nothing like I imagined it, but I'm so blessed to be given this opportunity each day.

As most of you know, I'm due any day now. We are so excited to meet our little one. And, even though I am super uncomfortable at this point, I really have enjoyed the pregancy process (at least most of the time). However, throughout the pregnancy I have gotten some, umm, interesting advice. I've made the joke a couple of times that I should write a book called "Things Not to Say to a Pregnant Lady." I think it would do a great deal of people good to read it! I've tried to keep a good sense of humor despite the often ridiculous commentary. So, tonight I thought I would write a small list to share. 


1. You're huge! Are you sure the doctor didn't miss one or two in there? More than once I've had people comment that they were sure the doctor must have missed a baby or two. Oddly enough, sometimes these people don't know me or my due date, so I'm not sure what basis they have. Usually I just laugh and say, "Nope, just one."


2. You're getting really chubby. How much weight have you gained? Umm, I thought it was a general rule not to ask people how much they weighed, but apparently that doesn't apply when you are pregnant. Also, I think the general population should be advised that doctors suggest you gain 20-25 pounds throughout pregnancy, so it's really not a huge deal that I've put on a few pounds.


3. Enjoy all of the sleep you get now. You won't get any sleep after birth, but you can sleep whenever you want now.  Uh, not really. I was up sick multiple times during the night in the first trimester. By the second trimester, I had to pee constantly, so I didn't sleep well. And now, I often spend hours awake at a time due to being uncomfortable. I realize infants don't instantly sleep through the night, but I haven't either for nine months, so I think I'll survive. 


4. Let me tell you all about my horrific labor experience.  How about you don't?!? I appreciate your concern, but really, I don't want to know every possible thing that could go wrong. I'm trying to stay calm about the whole labor process. I don't need to have 25 horror stories in the back of my mind. 


5. That baby is so high, it won't be coming out anytime soon. Last week, my doctor told me the baby was extremely low, and I could go into labor at any moment. Tonight at Hobby Lobby, some random woman decided to let me know that the baby hadn't dropped and wasn't low enough for labor yet. Thanks, but I think I'll just go with my doctor's opinion. 


These are just a few of the nice things people have told me lately. I know the people that say them mean well. They obviously just don't realize that these things are not encouraging. It also doesn't help that most of the time the people with the most "advice" don't even know my name. Hopefully no one is offended by this post. I just take these statements with a grain of salt (most days), and use my sarcastic side to get through it! And if you're pregnant, just remember to laugh it off (and don't make the same statements to a pregnant girl in 20 years)!!